You learn something new…

So becoming a parent really is one of those learn on the job kind of deals. Sure I looked after children, babies before but nothing prepared me for having my own.

It’s a crash course in learning how not to kill your precious bundle of joy but also in how you will survive.

So here are some things I’ve learnt in no particular order:

  1. You will never sleep like you did before – it’s over, morn its passing but accept your new fate, zombie or as I call myself mumbie
  2. You will be covered in pee and poo a lot of the time
  3. Babies poo a lot
  4. You will become obsessed with your babies poo and will spend a lot of time googling about its colour and consistency
  5. Babies fart a lot, they are also really loud. Also they have issue with farts at night leading to lots of grunting and leg kicking – basically they’re fart machines
  6. A day when you’ve managed to have a wash is a success
  7. A day when you’ve managed to get out of the house without a meltdown is Christmas and your birthday all at once
  8. If you breastfeed you will literally leak milk onto your clothes, floor, actually anywhere
  9. Your boobs will become like rocks
  10. Your boobs will hurt in a way you never knew – you will actually feel the milk flowing into them, it bloody hurts!
  11. The person who got you pregnant will become a stranger, you will pass each other in a sleep deprived haze on the stairs
  12. When the doctor asks you about what contraception you are thinking of using, you will glare at them and point to the baby
  13. You will quickly learn that newborns don’t care about the nice, expensive crib you brought them, they want to sleep on you the human pillow – you mind at times but then you look at their peaceful face and smell ‘their’ smell and then you don’t care
  14. You will learn to do a lot of things one handed
  15. You will learn not to cough, sneeze or breathe a certain way – this is to keep the baby asleep because you are the human pillow
  16. Parenting books lie, seriously they do, they refer to some baby that magically falls asleep and develops feeding and sleeping schedules
  17. Google is your friend
  18. Google is your enemy
  19. Mumsnet is your friend – your not alone out there, people are going through the same thing
  20. Mumsnet is your enemy – there is always the perfect baby, the person who tells you everything you are doing is wrong
  21. You will suddenly find yourself praying to any God out there to help keep your baby asleep
  22. You will try to reason with the baby offering a variety of things ranging from toys to cars all to get them to sleep
  23. You will get the best work out of your life just trying to get baby to sleep – you may even find yourself developing a 6-pack from all the bouncing up and down on your yoga ball (I kid you not!)
  24. Why did no one tell you that babies have to learn to go to sleep – this relates to the point of baby books lying
  25. You will feel like a failure
  26. You will cry more than the baby at times
  27. Eating a meal will consist of standing in front of the fridge and seeing what can be eaten with just your fingers
  28. When someone asks you ‘is the baby sleeping through the night’ you will mentally hit them on the nose
  29. When someone who doesn’t have a child says they understand how tired you feel you will restrain yourself from hitting them on the nose (yes we’ve all done it! not the hitting, the thought that we understood sleep deprived parents)
  30. The idea that babies shouldn’t be awake longer than a certain amount of time is bull, has anyone told the baby that?!
  31. You can’t make a baby sleep if it doesn’t want to – okay you can but involves a lot of rocking, shhhhing, and usually a lot of crying you and the baby
  32. You will then decide ‘sod the advice’ if she wants to fall asleep on the boob she can – its less stressful for all those involved
  33. You will watch your baby like a hawk trying to see when they are tired
  34. You will still fail at getting them to sleep
  35. When they are finally asleep you will creep around in darkness
  36. You will learn to communicate in near silence developing your own sign language
  37. Your parenting style will be questioned
  38. You will question your parenting style
  39. You will learn that babies are seriously active at night, especially when you get to the sitting, rolling, standing stage
  40. When you get three hours of sleep in one go you will feel like you’ve been given huge amounts of sugar
  41. You will learn that your little one can be very strong and can hold the plank position for a ridiculously long time. This usually occurs when trying to get them in the car seat.
  42. You will think you can’t do it any more, you may even want to run away but when your little one smiles at you everything you’ve been feeling melts away

I’m sure this list will grow as Sidekick does but its what I’ve learnt so far.

The pen is mightier than the sword, why not say something

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