Never ending tunnel, or not?


Do you ever feel that you just aren’t enough.

That no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, it just doesn’t seem to be good enough.

I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

There is a lot of stuff going on. I have issues with my return to work, they’re not making it easy.

I worry about how Sidekick is going to cope with it all.

I feel completely overwhelmed by being a mum.

At times I wonder what I would be doing if I wasn’t a mum. What would me and Hubby be doing. We’d both be earning a decent wage, we’d be able to finish off the house, go on those holidays we couldn’t afford before, eat out, city breaks….you know all those things you said you’d do but you never got round to doing.

Then I feel like an utter shit because there are women who would do anything to be a mum. I, we wanted Sidekick so much. People who have lost their child and would do anything to have another sleepless night, to have a day where you want to pull your hair out and scream.

So shitty.

I just feel that I’m stuck in this tunnel and I’m not moving. At times I feel that nothing has improved, but of course it has.

When I take a step back I see that things have improved, it no longer takes an hour to get Sidekick to nap for 40 minutes. That is a massive improvement. She’s letting Dada get her to nap again (yeay!)

But then the other thoughts creep in. Sidekick still won’t be put down for naps, we are still going to bed when Sidekick does, the husband still spends most of the night not in bed with me. I’m up every two hours with Sidekick and that’s a good night.

It’s been like this for 9 months. I’m exhausted.

You get sympathy when you have sleepless nights as a parent of a newborn but after the 3 month mark it begins to wane and when you get to 6 months then you’ve made this as a choice. Past the 6 month mark you get very little sympathy and more ‘you’ve made your bed so sleep in it  ‘, if only!

I feel lost in a sea of nappies wondering when things may start to ease just a little. When I will be able to prepare an weekday meal (occasionally it does happen). When I can put Sidekick in her crib at night (one goal) and have her sleep there for more than an hour (second goal).

I know I’m getting more stressed about it because my return to work is very much on the horizon. That soon I will have to start leaving Sidekick with her Grammy and Grampy who she adores but who has only had her without me for maybe an hour. I worry that Sidekick will still not be put down to nap, I keep trying but it’s just not working. If that’s still the case how will my folks cope? How will they cope with the need to rock and jig her to sleep?

The advice you get is that I’ve created this problem, her need to have this level of contact is my fault. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s right. If I’ve made it all the more difficult for her.

But then I look at her as she sleeps in my arms and I know that what I’ve done is right for her. Yes it’s hard, bloody hard. At times I am so overwhelmed with being her mum that I wonder if there is any me left but this is what she needs at the moment. I know she won’t need it forever so I sit and I look at her.

Somehow we’ll manage.

I guess that’s what being a parent is about, it’s about sacrifice and losing yourself just for a short while to care for this amazing, unique life.

So in times when I feel like I’m nothing but a milking cow, who’s outward appearance would scare off an army of zombies, I try to remember that whilst the days and nights are long, the years are short. I know that soon, in a blink of an eye, Sidekick won’t need me to cuddle her to sleep, to have me hold her hand as she nestles into my side and I’ll miss it. I’ll miss that small warm sleeping body next to mine, I’ll miss the sleepy smiles in the night as she mouths for my breast and I know that I will regret all the times I muttered under my breath about her waking yet again.

I know this because as I write this I feel the ache. I know this because I already see signs of her beginning to mature, her brain beginning to cope a little better, she now doesn’t fall asleep on the boob, she now squirms and asks in her own way to be put down on the bed. I know it’s beginning. My baby girl is growing and I guess I’m already scared.

How is everyone else doing? Any experienced Mama’s or Dada’s want to share some wisdom?

The pen is mightier than the sword, why not say something

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